


Lucky I'm Drunk

by shinealightrose



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Stupid Drunks, Talk about boning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 09:09:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5200265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinealightrose/pseuds/shinealightrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tao says some crazy things when he’s drinking, and usually the same thing over and over again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lucky I'm Drunk

**Author's Note:**

> Lots of drinking, drunken propositions, discussions of hypothetical boning, Firefly TV marathons (no spoilers of course!)

It starts at approximately fifteen minutes past the hour, midnight time, coffee table scattered with empty bottles of beer and a few that are still half full but well beyond the reach of either Tao or Lu Han's arms so that it's not even worth bending over to get. The nearest unopened bottles are by their feet anyway, tucked away for easy access on the floor by the couch. Lu Han doubts they'll even get to those tonight because Tao is well beyond drunk when he pauses the TV marathon they're currently engaged in, turns toward him seriously and slowly slurs out his speech. 

"You're lucky I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe." Tao's eyes are glazed, and it's a wonder Lu Han can even see this because his are too. He's just as drunk as his best friend forever. 

"You too, man. Youuuu tooooo. Yo! Now quit messing with the TV. I wanna know what happens when Ca'tain Mal finds out there's a half naked hostage-not-a-hostage on his ship, man, okaaaay?"

Tao nods, because this is serious business. Like they've never stayed up into the early Saturday morning watching  _Firefly_  before. Like they've never shared a pack of and half of imitation artisan beer. Like they've never been so totally out of it that they contemplated making out. And other things.

They haven't though. It's a well thought out and occasionally tried plan to never get involved with each other because friends don't do that shit to each other and live to walk the next day. That's why it's best to get so pissed that who cares if Tao has a boner. He's not going to mess with it and neither is Lu Han. Not with a ten foot pole, and he's just drunk enough to try to complicate what life would be like with a boner ten feet long. Then Tao hits play on the TV again and screw that shit.

 

He's out on a date with the cutest girl in the universe, half-heartedly grinding her on the crowded dance floor with a cocktail in his hand high up above head. Life may be sweet somewhere down there in the vicinity of his crotch, but this Mai Tai with the little orange umbrella cost a lost of money that Lu Han could be spending on packs of beer, and he's not willing to waste a drop of it. 

His phone is set to buzz, a little little sensation in his back pocket that has nothing to do with the getting-close-to-blissed-drunk face of his date with her bouncing reddish hair and freckled, button nose. He takes his free hand off the curve of waist and fishes it out, still buzzing, and smirks at the image of Tao's caller identification picture: passed out, a little slobber on his cheek, a teddy bear jammed beneath his armpit. It was the pride and glory of Lu Han's collection of embarrassing Tao pictures, and no matter how many times Tao tried to get his hands on Lu Han's phone to delete the evidence, he was never successful.

"Taozi, baby, what's up!" he shouts extra loud into the receiver, grinning mischievously as he continues bobbing up and down on bent knees, hips swaying a little to the beat of the music, kinda sorta. He's probably a little off, if not a lot.

"Luuuuhaaaannn," comes the reciprocal voice. "I'm so fucking coooold. You're lucky, otherwise I would bone you into the next universe."

It's not the first time he's felt this relieved. Cold, hard dicks? No freaking way. 

"Sounds like a good not-plan!" he shouts, still grinning away. "Where are you anyways!" 

He waits while static settles over the phone and then clears away, Tao's voice more irritable than normal. "I don't know, but my butt feels like it just hit the surface of a skating rink, and the rest of my legs are headed the same way."

"A skating rink?!" Lu Han chortles. "What are you, ice skating?"

"No shit, man. I came out when Chanyeol begged me too, and now that tall son of a bitch is turning flips and loop d' loops around every human being with hair longer than his. Save me, 'ge. I'm gonna freeze to death."

"No way! I'm having too much fun without you!" Lu Han winks at his cute date to try and assuage her increasingly grumpy look, and then makes the mistake of telling Tao to find someone else to bone tonight,  _he's_  busy. Ten minutes later, Lu Han is over at the bar alone nursing the last dregs of his Mai Tai, twirling the little umbrella between his fingers wondering if it'd be more fun to make it fly or poke it down Tao's eye. 

 

 

 

Wednesday night, and both Tao and Lu Han have a shit ton of homework to get done, early morning lectures the next day, and no desire to be productive, school-minded college seniors. Instead, they put on another round of  _Firefly_  at barely five in the evening, and break out the beer, phones on silent in case the world decides to intrude and remind them about  _life_. Why fret when you can procrastinate, that's always been Lu Han's model, in more ways than one.

Shoulder to shoulder with Tao is about as cramped as he likes his world to get. At least there's something familiar about being roommates/BFFs who act like they've known each other since kindergarten but actually only met up during freshman orientation, wide-eyed, lost, and scared, and each too macho to admit it. It was friends at first sight, even if most of their acquaintances no longer believe it. Sometimes they make up stories about 'that great summer camping/hiking trip' that never happened when they were fourteen years old, or the first girl they crushed on together when they were sixteen (they were actually twenty and too much about honor between bros to do anything about it). Chanyeol basically wipes his hands from their entire existence when they get too fakely mushy and imaginative just to screw with peoples' heads, and that's why they don't invite him for  _Firefly_  marathons. People like that don't deserve people like them. 

"God, I love this part..." Tao starts to gush over the epic takes-too-many-episodes-to-get-into romance subplot, and Lu Han... yawns. He wants another beer, another bag of potato chips, some nachos, red movie licorice, a back pillow with fewer lumps, and a puppy. The last one merely to drive Tao insane when it pees on his designer caps, but Lu Han supposes he can suffice with just reaching over to get another beer. He starts to twist the lid off in just the palm of his hand, feigning tolerance in pain, and when Tao launches into giggles at his twisted up face, he relents and uses the bottle opener. 

Tao steals it from him instead, right out from under his lips. Droplets of the full bottle of liquid slosh out and land on Lu Han's nicely wrinkled but totally amazing graphic with tee with not-vintage Spiderman, and he hisses in annoyance. "Tao... damnit! If I wasn't drunk and totally comfy right this minute, I'd get up and beat you over the head with that bottle."

Tao laughs, completely unfazed. "Yeah yeah. Story of your life."

He downs half the bottle while Lu Han frowns, contemplating whether or not he should try again with a new bottle or hog his original possession back from where it rests between Tao's greedy little hands. He decides, he's too tired. And Tao is too sloshed to properly fight him, which means they'd probably end up both wearing the rest of the bottle's contents. 

An hour later they're right where they always are... silent, mopey, nudging each other for couch space like that's more important than air itself - and it almost is. Tao leans over, slumping awkwardly in the way only drunk people can because they have no idea what their bodies are doing. He grins. Lu Han grins too because, why the hell not. Then Tao laughs, giggles really, and before Lu Han knows what's about to come, two large hands with their excessively long fingers are caging his head and Tao's hot, alcohol-coated breath is right up next to his face, and Tao just lays it on him. Lu Han is too drunk to push him away, the foreign feeling of Tao's nasty lips on his. At least, he thinks they're nasty. Tao has a pet gerbil named Sehun sitting in a glass cage in his room and Lu Han knows for a fact that he kisses the stinky thing at least once a day. 

He's too drunk for Sehun right now though, frozen in place as Tao leans away, smiling like an idiot because,  _Success!_ The last part reads plain and clear in his eyes and Lu Han just ogles him in return.

"Tao... what the..."

Tao giggles again and then rolls away playfully in the other direction. "You know... Lu Han... You're lucky I'm drunk otherwise I would totally bone you into the next universe..." 

He's heard this before plenty. Every time Tao gets drunk. It's usually not prefaced, however, after a smack on the lips kiss. Or followed by a maddening blush upon Lu Han's rosy as hell cheeks. It's a joke, right? And Tao is just a tiny bit beyond BFF-accepted levels inebriated, right? Lu Han shouldn't look. He absolutely shouldn't look... He knows this is a bad idea, as bad as the time he and Tao decided to insert Firefly space facts into their short answer midterm for Astronomy 101 for Idiots who should have taken Physics beforehand and didn't. 

He looks. Eyes glancing downwards towards Tao's crotch and... shit. He really does have a boner. 

How many fucking times has Tao had a boner and Lu Han just never. bothered. to. look?!

Even worse is that Tao catches him looking, and now his face is several shades redder than Lu Han's. Like a gleaming red delicious compared to Lu Han's splotchy macintosh. 

"Uhhhh," says Lu Han, brain spluttering for how to function. "You know what Tao? That's a great idea but uhm," he gulps, "how about we reassess when you're not drunk?"

Tao looks disappointed, but only minutely so. Lu Han knows they both just need to sit this one out, give themselves some time to soberly decide whether they go from drunk BFFs to drunk FWBs, or... something.

"Fiiiine," Tao accepts the drunken reality relatively easy. "Can we watch another episode now though?"

"Episode? What? Huh? Oh. Right!" 

Their marathon  _is_  still in session, after all. 


End file.
